SO.WORN.OUT!

Yes, I know I have been M.I.A.

I won't lie, my blogging mojo has been A.W.O.L and that is a good part of why I have been gone this week.
Also.......
The kids are on their last week of vacation.

I have been creating items in the hope I can set up a successful Etsy shop.

I enrolled at University (only to spend the whole day ringing around trying to catch a break, my one and only class on campus is in the afternoon when the kids are home from school and I have no one to take care of them, so most likely I wont end up going to Uni this year and I am just a little bit heart broken. I am hoping for a miracle this week as I am meant to start next Tuesday. All I need is someone trustworthy to supervise my girls for 1 and a half hours a week. I have had no luck, day care was full, after school care wont take Bubbah because she isn't 5 yet, other carers wont do it because it requires them to pick my kids up from school that afternoon. I have asked the school for help, the mothers from Girl Scouts for help, family day carers for help....... Yep I am gonna cry.)

And as for my blogging, I am just not feeling it right now. I'm sad, I'm fat, I'm lonely and damn it! I was trying to do a good thing and a tiny little thing screwed it all up. (The class timing not my kids).

I will be back soon I am sure, it no use blogging when you dont feel like it :)

Doctors, Money and Sneezing

Well this morning had us at the Doctors surgery for an appointment for the my 4 year old. I am thinking I will have to give them cyber names on the blog, so much nicer than my 4 year old or my 8 year old. I am thinking probably Bubbah for the 4 year old and Sissy for the 8 year old, that's one of their nick names around here....
so anyways Bubbah has had a really bad chesty cough for a week that started when we all came down with the flu. I though it best to get checked out as it was starting to sound nasty. We all suffer a DR phobia here in this house, so for Bubbah it was a moment of facing her fear. Luckily we were blessed with a really lovely DR who was just great with her.
It turns out that her cough hasn't turned into a chest infection or anything worse, but as she was running a temp and complaining of ear ache we decided that the best course of treatment would be antibiotics.
She has had one dose so far today and I am hoping she starts improving in a few days.
Whilst we were seeing the DR he asked how Sissy was doing, I mentioned that she had been complaining of a sore throat on and off for days, so he was kind enough to have a quick look. He said all is well with her and if she is uncomfortable with her throat, to give her throat lozengers.

Me? Well I just can't stop sneezing. My allergies are driving me absolutely insane!! I will live though,I just like to bitch sometimes.

Today is day 1 of my Your Family Your Money 30 day Challenge. I am super psyched. For a details recount on the days challenge tasks, stop by Mercy's World.

Uni has been a constant thought. I am trying not to think about things right now, at least not until my "official" face to face meeting with them next Monday, because I have a habit of talking myself out of major life decisions. I vary between absolute excitement and optimism to complete question and doubt. I am complicated that way, although having really tried to pin point why I do this, I think I have found an answer. For me, I go through my days on auto pilot. I do what what I have always done and I get what I have always got. Anything that means I have to fly without auto pilot has me in fits of fear - usually over the unknown, I like to know every single detail :)
For the most part, I want to start living without the auto pilot day to day, but my head always ends up talking me out of what my heart wants. It's easier to drag yourself through each day on auto pilot than it is to actually live life, however as long as all goes well at this meeting, and I am able to finance it, I WILL NOT let myself talk myself out of it... LOL.

Yes.... far too complicated.

Today's Discovery

I am an ambitious woman. Sometimes I am so full of great ideas on how to improve things that I can hardly contain my new found excitement and motivation, but then that priceless saying that everyone knows, rings true to who I am....

Whats goes up....... must come down

That's when things get a little hazy.  I begin to suffer self doubt. I tell myself I am silly, impulsive, stupid even for thinking my ideas could be more than just that. I ask myself if I could actually even do it, I ask myself if it should even be tried, cause let's face it, it probably isn't worth it or worse, I'll start it and fizzle out in a record period of time and then I will beat myself up for wasting time, precious resources or dollars I didn't have to spare in the first place.

A prime example of this is my weight loss efforts over the years, or my different blogs I have had over the years, or hobbies I have tried, or projects around the home, or wanting to go to Uni.
OK, I still want to try this whole Uni thing out, but I am seriously questioning myself right now........

Anyways I'll get back to that after I have had a meeting with my possible future Head Teacher on the 18th. Back to the reason I post this particular piece of complication....

This new book discovery....

"The 30 Day Challenge is a detox program for your money management habits. It will address all of your attitudes and beliefs about money, and get you into the shape you need to be in to change the way you live with money - forever! This one-of-a-kind interactive multimedia program shines the spotlight on the details of your money living and provides down-to-earth advice that will deliver fast and effective results every day, letting you make the small changes that are necessary to create fundamental and lasting changes in your money habits."

Now I haven't been buying hard copy books lately thanks to the 99c kindle books from Amazon that I love so, but this one really caught my eye.
I am 3/4 of the way through so far and I admit, it looks good. It seems very easy to follow, just small steps and small changes each day, and I really think I could do this. The problem?? I know that on Monday I am going to be all excited and I am going to give it a go, and the first few days I am gonna do great and I will chart my progress over at Mercy's World and all will be fantastic, and then, well I know what will happen. I will get lazy, the excitement of self improvement will fade, I won't make necessary time to follow through and well, this book will end up on my book shelf getting dusty along with a few other motivational, highly excited, improve myself for the future *impulse* purchases.... the CSIRO diet books, Houseworks, Spotless.... (need I go on?)

I really want to follow this little impulse of self improvement right through to the end, and here is why :-
**Taken from this very book**


"So much of what we do each day is habitual and automatic - done without thinking of necessity, future costs or alternatives. Habits are easily formed and while they seem hard to break, it's actually just a matter of keeping what you want to change in the front of your mind and acting consciously rather than automatically. Stop living on autopilot and get into the game"

Isn't that so true?! And for me it doesn't just apply to money, right now it applies to my whole life. It was only recently I was thinking to myself, it's like I am on autopilot in every aspect of my life and every time I try to switch it off and fly on my own, it jams up and wont let me.

I really do want to change, so I am hoping following this rather simple 30 day plan will open a whole new successful world to me.

Yes I am far too complicated.....

I think therefore I am.....

Well I am just a little, itty bitty bit excited :)

I am not 100% certain, but it seems I may be going to University next semester. I may be about to become a *gulp* STUDENT!!

This is huge for me because I love school. I left school when I was 15, not because I couldn't keep up, and not because I didn't like school. I left because social situations caused me to. I started working 40 hour weeks when I was 15, that was the deal I made with my parents. If I left school then I had to work, so I did. It wasn't long after I left school that I applied for and was successful in getting a Government based Traineeship at a Primary School to gain a Certificate III in Education, but after a successful completion I didn't further my training because it wasn't the right field for me, so for for the last 14 years I have jumped from job to job, just trying to earn a pay check rather than concentrating on building a career I love.

Now it seems, I may have set myself on a new, empowering path towards something I want. To be a Librarian. It is a long term plan, something that will benefit myself and my children. Training that will open doors for future learning, and pleasure. Plus, I get out the house a few times a week in order to learn and grow, what could be better than that right now?!

Small steps towards the big picture.... sounds like I have the focus I was needing. I have so many awesome ideas, hopes, thought and dreams.

Fingers crossed it all comes together, I will know after the 18th of this month.

Joining Josie

Dear Dad,

We have had a difficult life together, we both know that, but what you don't know, and what I have never told you, is how much I wish I was just like you.

All my life you have shown me your strength, your drive, your ability not to over react and how second nature it is for you to listen, think and react in a way that has people describing you as tough but fair.
No matter what life has thrown your way, you have always handled it with respect, dignity, calm and maturity.

I am proud of you Dad, and I love you. I never tell you that, and I am sorry. I hope that one day I have the courage to tell you, Dad, I wish I was more like you. I wish I had listened to you more, given you a fair go, tried to be closer to you.

Right now though, I will say thank you, because although we may have trouble saying what we wish we could to each other, you are the father figure in my children's lives and I am so proud they get a chance where I went wrong. You show them love, compassion, and guidance and for that I am truly thankful. I can only hope that my children grow up to be like you, showing strength, dignity, commitment, hard work, selflessness and the ability to trust in themselves even when no one else does.

With Love
Your Daughter



Please stop by and join us at Josie's Write a Letter Wednesday.

Weight Loss Warfare

I haven't always been fat. I always THOUGHT I was fat, but I wasn't.

I was always described as solid when I was younger, and as a kid I took great offense to that because by the time I was 10 I was already being picked on at school, taunted for being fat (and I wasn't I was normal, healthy and active). Of course being a child and being told I was fat, and my parents calling me solid build on a childhood identicard, I sadly though I WAS fat, and looked at myself that way for many years.

When I was 15 I remember crying alone in my room thinking, maybe I could just cut my stomach right off, one big slice down and then I would be skinny. I remember stepping on the scales and seeing my weight slowly climb thinking I was just so disgustingly FAT. When I look back at pictures I was beautiful. I wasn't fat at all. I was solid and strong, I had curves and very little body fat. But I spent most of my school years surrounded by those petite fragile looking girls (you know the ones) and standing next to them, strong, healthy and solid mean fat, gross and in need of Weight Watchers.

I never really became "fat" until well after my first daughters birth. I remember hitting 104kg while I was pregnant and being so embarrassed, but once I gave birth, a severe health incident that went untreated caused me to loose a lot of weight. I of course looked in the mirror and saw stretch marks and my brain saw grossly overweight. Looking at pictures from the early days of my daughters life I was at a weight I dream to be at, and still my brain wouldn't let me see it.
8 months after my first child's birth I became what my brain told me I was. I began to comfort eat and binge not knowing at the time why I sought comfort. Looking back now (ain't hind sight grand?) I realise it was because I knew I had married the wrong man and that he wasn't cut out to be a father. But I stuck it out anyways and in the mean time I ate.

That was almost 9 years ago, and through out those 9 years I have binged, starved, diet pill-ed and ate my way down the yellow brick road. The diet pills I took wreaked havoc on my digestive system and to this day I still face issues associated by the damage those pills did. I have gained a total of 10kg or 22lbs but that doesn't include all the times I have gained, lost, gained and lost. I am thinking I have probably gained more like 40kg and lost about the same over the years through all the yo yo dieting.

I now have myself in a weight rut. Due to all the confusion I cause my body, the minute I try and lose I actually gain because my body thinks its being starved. I start a diet only to gain then beat myself up about it and seek comfort in food. It's a vicious circle, one that I am dying to break and leave behind for good, only I am not sure how to go about it now.

My greatest fear is that I unconsciously cause my daughters to walk down this awful path one day. I do my best to shelter them from my body issues and woes. I have always been careful of what I say and do around them and hope that they grow up strong and confident and healthy, without all the hang ups I have had to deal with all my life. It is something that worries me greatly.

For now I am trying to devise a plan to rid myself of this awful psychological warfare once and for all, and hopefully finally drop the weight both on my body and sitting on my shoulders.

What?! No Internet?! Hyperventilating......

LOL no I am not that bad any more, but at one point I did get quite irritated by it.

Our internet went down yesterday at lunch time, and after 10 minutes on hold and another 10 minutes talking to a heavy accented tech support person who insisted I had to check my computer settings and everything else but listen, found out that it was a city wide outage. It was not fixed until early this morning.

I was surprised though, about how much I rely on the computer. 3 times yesterday I though to myself, I'll just google that and find out what it is. One example..... So my sewing machine doesn't get used much, but my youngest had asked me to make her baby doll a pillow and blanket. I thought no worries, I can do that. I finish and stuff a pretty pillow, and start on the blanket but all off a sudden my sewing machine starts going 100 miles an hour by itself and wont stop, the only way to stop it was cutting the power completely. I soon discovered, when I shook the foot pedal something was loose.
Being the handy mum I think I am, I proceeded to pull the cover off the foot pedal and look at what was wrong inside. There was something obviously wrong for sure, it was quite clear.
So now, sitting at my desk, sewing machine foot pedal in half in front of me, tiny pieces that had all come apart to operate the speed laid out in front of me..... now to just google for a picture of how these pieces are meant to go back together right?...... WRONG! No internet.... didn't I feel like a wally!!

I also google actors a lot. You know when you are watching a movie or tv program and you think to yourself I know that person, who the heck are they? What was that other thing I saw them in? Well that drives me completely bonkers, so I google it sooner rather than later so I can say "oh yeah now I remember" and move on with my day. Yes, I admit I am a little OCD sometimes :)

And the news! I read the local newspaper online every morning, and the national news 3 times a day. It's my routine, it's how I feel like I know all that is going on in the World. It's comfort of information. Yeah, I missed my internet access yesterday....