I was always described as solid when I was younger, and as a kid I took great offense to that because by the time I was 10 I was already being picked on at school, taunted for being fat (and I wasn't I was normal, healthy and active). Of course being a child and being told I was fat, and my parents calling me solid build on a childhood identicard, I sadly though I WAS fat, and looked at myself that way for many years.
When I was 15 I remember crying alone in my room thinking, maybe I could just cut my stomach right off, one big slice down and then I would be skinny. I remember stepping on the scales and seeing my weight slowly climb thinking I was just so disgustingly FAT. When I look back at pictures I was beautiful. I wasn't fat at all. I was solid and strong, I had curves and very little body fat. But I spent most of my school years surrounded by those petite fragile looking girls (you know the ones) and standing next to them, strong, healthy and solid mean fat, gross and in need of Weight Watchers.
I never really became "fat" until well after my first daughters birth. I remember hitting 104kg while I was pregnant and being so embarrassed, but once I gave birth, a severe health incident that went untreated caused me to loose a lot of weight. I of course looked in the mirror and saw stretch marks and my brain saw grossly overweight. Looking at pictures from the early days of my daughters life I was at a weight I dream to be at, and still my brain wouldn't let me see it.
8 months after my first child's birth I became what my brain told me I was. I began to comfort eat and binge not knowing at the time why I sought comfort. Looking back now (ain't hind sight grand?) I realise it was because I knew I had married the wrong man and that he wasn't cut out to be a father. But I stuck it out anyways and in the mean time I ate.
That was almost 9 years ago, and through out those 9 years I have binged, starved, diet pill-ed and ate my way down the yellow brick road. The diet pills I took wreaked havoc on my digestive system and to this day I still face issues associated by the damage those pills did. I have gained a total of 10kg or 22lbs but that doesn't include all the times I have gained, lost, gained and lost. I am thinking I have probably gained more like 40kg and lost about the same over the years through all the yo yo dieting.
I now have myself in a weight rut. Due to all the confusion I cause my body, the minute I try and lose I actually gain because my body thinks its being starved. I start a diet only to gain then beat myself up about it and seek comfort in food. It's a vicious circle, one that I am dying to break and leave behind for good, only I am not sure how to go about it now.
My greatest fear is that I unconsciously cause my daughters to walk down this awful path one day. I do my best to shelter them from my body issues and woes. I have always been careful of what I say and do around them and hope that they grow up strong and confident and healthy, without all the hang ups I have had to deal with all my life. It is something that worries me greatly.
For now I am trying to devise a plan to rid myself of this awful psychological warfare once and for all, and hopefully finally drop the weight both on my body and sitting on my shoulders.
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