Waking Up Exhausted

Waking up exhausted makes one feel robbed. What use is going to bed if you are only going to wake up feeling like crap anyways? I have always wished to be one of those night owl people, but even after all these years I sadly am not. I am not a morning person either. Not early morning anyways. If I could sleep in till 8am every morning I would be a lot more of a morning person, but waking up at 6am or earlier each day just doesn't give one the jollies.

I am one of those women who is layer after layer of complexed emotion. Constant, and unwavering raw emotion. I know it, I have always known it, but up until recently I have tried to change myself for others. Over the years I have been told I am over emotional, too sensitive, I think too much, I am glass half empty kinda girl. So what! That's me. I think and I feel, maybe more than the average, and you know what that's OK! The reason I mention all this is because lately I have been weighed down and overwhelmed by the same 2 major emotions. Guilt is number one and anger is number 2. I know why I suffer guilt, where it originated, why it continues, however I don't know how to fix and over come it and I don't know how to avoid it in the future, I struggle greatly with it. But... the anger. My God am I angry inside, at everything and everyone. I know of bits and pieces that helped me get here but not the defining moment and not why it continues to influential in my daily life. I hide and control as much as I can, but still so much surfaces. Even sitting here right now typing this, I feel the rage inside. I did read something yesterday that I have been rolling around the thought bank, "Anger is the inward display of depression" if that is so, then yes my anger makes a little more sense.

I have never spoke to a medical professional about my feelings before, I have many MANY reasons as to why, and I can safely say I will NEVER depend on a medical professional, and for that I have my beliefs. But I know I have battled depression for many years. I feel it inside me, I know when I am having a good day and a bad day. I know what makes me feel a little better and I know a major cause of these boughts of depression. I almost know exactly when to predict one drawing closer upon me, and I know what triggers them. The problem is, I can't stop or avoid them. They are part of me, my make up, how I feel and think. It is a process I have to go through and survive as it happens, and I am OK with that.

What worries me is the guilt and anger. Those two emotions will be what sink me. I have and am considering some sort of Anger Management course / group. I am not one for psychologist or psychiatrists or social workers for that matter (I have reasons people). Please note I am not violent or physically harmful. I am however human, and I mistakes. I have no idea how to fix my guilt.

I do know lately that I have been avoiding.....