Migraines are nasty!

Last night had me in bed at 7pm. I felt terrible and I felt guilty. Being a sole parent means when you are sick, you just keep on rolling on. You have no choice, you have to do what needs to be done and just suck it up. Last night however I could not. I had to lay down. I sough the dark, cool, comfy-ness of my bedroom and I couldn't hold it off any longer.

I went to lay down and let the kids stay up a little bit to watch a movie on the kids channel, all the while feeling guilty that I wasn't in the lounge room with them. I felt even more guilty when I started to nod off and told them they would have to go to bed too because I couldn't stay awake to keep an eye on them.

Now I know I wasn't fair, my 8 year old has always been more responsible than the average (even though lately she has shocked me a few times with less than stellar behavior) and they were both behaving very well when I went to lay down, happy to just sit and watch their movie. I admit, I felt bad and even worse about it this morning. I think I should have just let them stay up until their movie was finished, I should have trusted them a little more than I do, because in general they deserve my trust, they haven't done anything beyond normal child behavior when they slip up, and lets face it, I know my girls are a little more mature than the average. (That is NOT biased, "my kids are better than yours and absolutely awesome" Mum talk I promise)

I am tough on my kids. I know being a sole parent has a lot to do with that, but not all. I have expectations on how children should behave, and I admit I am absolutely disgusted by how a lot of children behave these days. I expect and demand my children to have manners, to be polite, to do as they are asked by an adult, to be respectful and helpful. I would certainly hate to be a teacher these days, with the lack of discipline and care some parents show. I can not believe the behavior of their children, and it is the PARENTS fault!
I will be first to admit though, that I am too hard on my 8 year old. I have tried to reign that in a little, but with her always being that little bit older in her make up, it's easy to forget she is just an 8 year old little girl. I ask too much of her sometimes because I need help, and that's wrong, I know it is. It is something I am constantly trying to improve on.

Ahhh the trials and tribulations of being a parent. Ain't life grand.......

Awesomeness!

We are half way through our second week of school holidays here in the top end, and we were lucky enough to have my brother visit.
He took us to the movies and we saw Mr Popper's Penguins. All I can say is if you have children and you haven't seen this movie, go see it. NOW! Seriously, go.see.it! The kids loved it, and I actually laughed out loud, which doesn't happen often. I am of course, a major fan of Jim Carey too. A awesome, sweet, funny family movie, I highly recommend it.

It is always great to see my baby brother, yes the we have had troubles over the years, but he is a good kid, the girls adore their uncle and he is always very generous with them. The girls couldn't ask for better uncles than my two younger brothers.

I still haven't heard back from the Uni, as much as I am disappointed, perhaps it wasn't the right track to go down and that's why they haven't returned my call? I don't know if it is a sign not to pursue it or if it's a sign to really push for it? Hard to say, I think it is something I am going to have to ponder over for the rest of today. I will hopefully get another sign either way, although 2 un-returned calls later I think maybe I should drop it and go back to the drawing board. I might have made a rash, wrong choice?

Seems my thoughts are all over the place today, it hasn't been a bad day. About to go and pick up the poor kitty after her surgery. I bet she is feeling pretty crappy. I may have no choice but to do the grocery shopping late this afternoon, I don't think the kids will let me put it off any more :(

The diet is non-existent and the budget is taking a good bashing this week too. I really need to stop being so ridiculously lazy!

Striving Towards

As I try and improve myself, both for me and my children, I decided to list the qualities I strive towards. These are things I want to be known for, described with and comforted knowing I possess.

So far my list looks like this:

Strength
Confidence
Honesty
Loyalty
Trustworthiness
Kindness
Caring
Warmth
Sweetness
Quiet and calm nature
Faithfulness
Generosity
Understanding
Patience
Love
Diligence
Humility
Belief
Health
Wealth
Happiness
Friendliness
Altruism
Faith

Some qualities I openly possess already, some I need to consciously work on. Based on morals and values, I believe this list comprises all the things I want to be and known to be.

Give a Cheer for Super Mum!

Yes, sometimes I toot my own horn. As a sole parent its not like anyone else is gonna do it :)

2 highly productive days in a row, I am super proud of myself, and have checked another item off my 101 in 1001 list! The 3 of us had eye checks today, my 4 year olds eyes are perfectly healthy and she is in no need for glasses. News wasn't as good for my 8 year old, she needs to continue with the patching as there was no significant change. The bonus was I didn't have to pay for new lenses again. Her next check up is in 6 months, after some hard core eye patching to get her lazy eye to work a bit more and hopefully improve some. Her bad eye really is in bad shape.
Me.... well I need glasses :) I am not surprised as I know my eyesight has deteriorated in the past 3 years, so much so it was quite noticeable. At least now, with new glasses my headaches should ease some.

Dentist appointments for the kids are scheduled for booking next week, and I have put myself on the dentist waiting list *gasp!* *shock!* yes, I am kinda wondering what the hell myself!
We have also checked out the new GP Super Clinic that has opened, and taking baby steps I will eventually start getting myself fixed too. 'Bout time I got my cyst a.k.a  "the horn" removed and this pain managed.

I got a little ticked off I will admit, turns out I am eligible for a N.T Pensioners Card, being a single Mama and all. It gives me discounts on Electricity, Drivers Licence and Car Registration renewal, Glasses and more. I get cranky because it has been available to me for 3 years but no one told me. I had no idea this card even existed until now. How many other struggling single parents don't know about this?! To know there are others like me struggling with no idea what help there is out there for them. That part really sucks.

Tomorrow morning our kitten goes in to be desexed. It will be a load off once its done, goodness knows I don't want kittens to deal with, so she has been locked inside with us all day and night. She wants to go outside, so we have had to listen to the incessant meows she so kindly shares for hours on end. I will be glad to fix that and to get rid of this god awful little tray. I.HATE.LITTER.TRAYS!! They are messy, smelly and down right ugly. Will be so happy when she can go outside for bathroom breaks.

Feeling pretty darn productive and efficient today, yay for 2 days in a row!!

P.S left another message at the Uni today, still haven't heard back. Totally sucks when you are trying to better yourself and incompetent people cant do so much as return a phone call. A trip down there face to face tomorrow may be needed......

P.P.S the diet is woeful. Not happening at all, I need to do something about that real soon before I gain another 20lbs!

Waking Up Exhausted

Waking up exhausted makes one feel robbed. What use is going to bed if you are only going to wake up feeling like crap anyways? I have always wished to be one of those night owl people, but even after all these years I sadly am not. I am not a morning person either. Not early morning anyways. If I could sleep in till 8am every morning I would be a lot more of a morning person, but waking up at 6am or earlier each day just doesn't give one the jollies.

I am one of those women who is layer after layer of complexed emotion. Constant, and unwavering raw emotion. I know it, I have always known it, but up until recently I have tried to change myself for others. Over the years I have been told I am over emotional, too sensitive, I think too much, I am glass half empty kinda girl. So what! That's me. I think and I feel, maybe more than the average, and you know what that's OK! The reason I mention all this is because lately I have been weighed down and overwhelmed by the same 2 major emotions. Guilt is number one and anger is number 2. I know why I suffer guilt, where it originated, why it continues, however I don't know how to fix and over come it and I don't know how to avoid it in the future, I struggle greatly with it. But... the anger. My God am I angry inside, at everything and everyone. I know of bits and pieces that helped me get here but not the defining moment and not why it continues to influential in my daily life. I hide and control as much as I can, but still so much surfaces. Even sitting here right now typing this, I feel the rage inside. I did read something yesterday that I have been rolling around the thought bank, "Anger is the inward display of depression" if that is so, then yes my anger makes a little more sense.

I have never spoke to a medical professional about my feelings before, I have many MANY reasons as to why, and I can safely say I will NEVER depend on a medical professional, and for that I have my beliefs. But I know I have battled depression for many years. I feel it inside me, I know when I am having a good day and a bad day. I know what makes me feel a little better and I know a major cause of these boughts of depression. I almost know exactly when to predict one drawing closer upon me, and I know what triggers them. The problem is, I can't stop or avoid them. They are part of me, my make up, how I feel and think. It is a process I have to go through and survive as it happens, and I am OK with that.

What worries me is the guilt and anger. Those two emotions will be what sink me. I have and am considering some sort of Anger Management course / group. I am not one for psychologist or psychiatrists or social workers for that matter (I have reasons people). Please note I am not violent or physically harmful. I am however human, and I mistakes. I have no idea how to fix my guilt.

I do know lately that I have been avoiding.....

Full Days, Counting Calories and in need of Stimulation

I like it most when my days are full. I like to end my days feeling accomplished and efficient, and it's not often days like that come about in my life lately.

I tend to the children, and I do the housework that needs doing and then that's it for the day. Today I was lucky, my whole morning was busy, I was running around doing errands and making phone calls and got a lot done and organised. I like days like that.

I hope that I can start studying soon, and also find a part time job or volunteer position that will fit around when the children are in school. I like my days busy and full, and it just doesn't happen any more.

I don't have much left to get to today, maybe a little menu planning for me and the kids, a chore or two that I have been putting off, but not much else needs doing. Goodness knows I need some new stimulation.

Still waiting on the Uni getting back to me about my new endeavour. Hopefully it is the right path to take and will provide me with a new lease on life. Part time study and a part time job would certainly fill my days when you include Domestic Goddess duties and raising children as a single Mum. I like the thought.

The new diet is off to a bad start today, it's something that requires 100% focus in the beginning and it just wasn't possible this morning. I am going to plan my meals and times to eat this afternoon though, and get the grocery shopping done at some point. I am going to try dealing with portions in a new way (go the coloured measuring cups!!) and then I have to work out the whole exercise side of things (ICK!) never my favourite thing.

Blowing a Gasket

My anger must be at 11 on the 1-10 scale right now.

All I want to do is update my details with Centrelink and it is damn near impossible! I can't do it online, and now because of greedy dumbasses I cant get through on the damn phone.  I mean seriously, I have been redialling for half an hour.

It's basic really. I just want to notify them I am no longer working, I am trying to do the right thing so I dont get over paid, or as I usually am, under paid. I am so sick of feeling like I am wrong and bad and naughty when it comes to Centrelink. They wont even let me update my new address online, I have to spend an hour on the phone on hold just to do that one basic, innocent thing.

I have always followed the rules, I have always done the right thing, and yet they make you feel like a lying criminal when all you want to do is update your details and follow their damn rules.

I have had nothing but issues with them, and now I can't even get on the phone because everyone wants their free money for nothing. This lump sum bonus is ridiculous, if you get it you get it, if you don't so what, you didnt earn it. According to facebook comments its not going towards the kids anyway, I have seen the shopping lists they hold for a new couch, a new computer, a holiday AWAY from the children. Not one comment stated that the money given freely to them FOR their children was actually going TO the children. So now these greedy people are tying up the phone line because they are demanding to know when they get this lump sum payment in their greedy little hands.

So FED UP!!!

(Finally got through whilst typing this post, now I have been on hold 10.56 minutes and counting)

End of Rant :)