SO.WORN.OUT!

Yes, I know I have been M.I.A.

I won't lie, my blogging mojo has been A.W.O.L and that is a good part of why I have been gone this week.
Also.......
The kids are on their last week of vacation.

I have been creating items in the hope I can set up a successful Etsy shop.

I enrolled at University (only to spend the whole day ringing around trying to catch a break, my one and only class on campus is in the afternoon when the kids are home from school and I have no one to take care of them, so most likely I wont end up going to Uni this year and I am just a little bit heart broken. I am hoping for a miracle this week as I am meant to start next Tuesday. All I need is someone trustworthy to supervise my girls for 1 and a half hours a week. I have had no luck, day care was full, after school care wont take Bubbah because she isn't 5 yet, other carers wont do it because it requires them to pick my kids up from school that afternoon. I have asked the school for help, the mothers from Girl Scouts for help, family day carers for help....... Yep I am gonna cry.)

And as for my blogging, I am just not feeling it right now. I'm sad, I'm fat, I'm lonely and damn it! I was trying to do a good thing and a tiny little thing screwed it all up. (The class timing not my kids).

I will be back soon I am sure, it no use blogging when you dont feel like it :)

Doctors, Money and Sneezing

Well this morning had us at the Doctors surgery for an appointment for the my 4 year old. I am thinking I will have to give them cyber names on the blog, so much nicer than my 4 year old or my 8 year old. I am thinking probably Bubbah for the 4 year old and Sissy for the 8 year old, that's one of their nick names around here....
so anyways Bubbah has had a really bad chesty cough for a week that started when we all came down with the flu. I though it best to get checked out as it was starting to sound nasty. We all suffer a DR phobia here in this house, so for Bubbah it was a moment of facing her fear. Luckily we were blessed with a really lovely DR who was just great with her.
It turns out that her cough hasn't turned into a chest infection or anything worse, but as she was running a temp and complaining of ear ache we decided that the best course of treatment would be antibiotics.
She has had one dose so far today and I am hoping she starts improving in a few days.
Whilst we were seeing the DR he asked how Sissy was doing, I mentioned that she had been complaining of a sore throat on and off for days, so he was kind enough to have a quick look. He said all is well with her and if she is uncomfortable with her throat, to give her throat lozengers.

Me? Well I just can't stop sneezing. My allergies are driving me absolutely insane!! I will live though,I just like to bitch sometimes.

Today is day 1 of my Your Family Your Money 30 day Challenge. I am super psyched. For a details recount on the days challenge tasks, stop by Mercy's World.

Uni has been a constant thought. I am trying not to think about things right now, at least not until my "official" face to face meeting with them next Monday, because I have a habit of talking myself out of major life decisions. I vary between absolute excitement and optimism to complete question and doubt. I am complicated that way, although having really tried to pin point why I do this, I think I have found an answer. For me, I go through my days on auto pilot. I do what what I have always done and I get what I have always got. Anything that means I have to fly without auto pilot has me in fits of fear - usually over the unknown, I like to know every single detail :)
For the most part, I want to start living without the auto pilot day to day, but my head always ends up talking me out of what my heart wants. It's easier to drag yourself through each day on auto pilot than it is to actually live life, however as long as all goes well at this meeting, and I am able to finance it, I WILL NOT let myself talk myself out of it... LOL.

Yes.... far too complicated.

Today's Discovery

I am an ambitious woman. Sometimes I am so full of great ideas on how to improve things that I can hardly contain my new found excitement and motivation, but then that priceless saying that everyone knows, rings true to who I am....

Whats goes up....... must come down

That's when things get a little hazy.  I begin to suffer self doubt. I tell myself I am silly, impulsive, stupid even for thinking my ideas could be more than just that. I ask myself if I could actually even do it, I ask myself if it should even be tried, cause let's face it, it probably isn't worth it or worse, I'll start it and fizzle out in a record period of time and then I will beat myself up for wasting time, precious resources or dollars I didn't have to spare in the first place.

A prime example of this is my weight loss efforts over the years, or my different blogs I have had over the years, or hobbies I have tried, or projects around the home, or wanting to go to Uni.
OK, I still want to try this whole Uni thing out, but I am seriously questioning myself right now........

Anyways I'll get back to that after I have had a meeting with my possible future Head Teacher on the 18th. Back to the reason I post this particular piece of complication....

This new book discovery....

"The 30 Day Challenge is a detox program for your money management habits. It will address all of your attitudes and beliefs about money, and get you into the shape you need to be in to change the way you live with money - forever! This one-of-a-kind interactive multimedia program shines the spotlight on the details of your money living and provides down-to-earth advice that will deliver fast and effective results every day, letting you make the small changes that are necessary to create fundamental and lasting changes in your money habits."

Now I haven't been buying hard copy books lately thanks to the 99c kindle books from Amazon that I love so, but this one really caught my eye.
I am 3/4 of the way through so far and I admit, it looks good. It seems very easy to follow, just small steps and small changes each day, and I really think I could do this. The problem?? I know that on Monday I am going to be all excited and I am going to give it a go, and the first few days I am gonna do great and I will chart my progress over at Mercy's World and all will be fantastic, and then, well I know what will happen. I will get lazy, the excitement of self improvement will fade, I won't make necessary time to follow through and well, this book will end up on my book shelf getting dusty along with a few other motivational, highly excited, improve myself for the future *impulse* purchases.... the CSIRO diet books, Houseworks, Spotless.... (need I go on?)

I really want to follow this little impulse of self improvement right through to the end, and here is why :-
**Taken from this very book**


"So much of what we do each day is habitual and automatic - done without thinking of necessity, future costs or alternatives. Habits are easily formed and while they seem hard to break, it's actually just a matter of keeping what you want to change in the front of your mind and acting consciously rather than automatically. Stop living on autopilot and get into the game"

Isn't that so true?! And for me it doesn't just apply to money, right now it applies to my whole life. It was only recently I was thinking to myself, it's like I am on autopilot in every aspect of my life and every time I try to switch it off and fly on my own, it jams up and wont let me.

I really do want to change, so I am hoping following this rather simple 30 day plan will open a whole new successful world to me.

Yes I am far too complicated.....

I think therefore I am.....

Well I am just a little, itty bitty bit excited :)

I am not 100% certain, but it seems I may be going to University next semester. I may be about to become a *gulp* STUDENT!!

This is huge for me because I love school. I left school when I was 15, not because I couldn't keep up, and not because I didn't like school. I left because social situations caused me to. I started working 40 hour weeks when I was 15, that was the deal I made with my parents. If I left school then I had to work, so I did. It wasn't long after I left school that I applied for and was successful in getting a Government based Traineeship at a Primary School to gain a Certificate III in Education, but after a successful completion I didn't further my training because it wasn't the right field for me, so for for the last 14 years I have jumped from job to job, just trying to earn a pay check rather than concentrating on building a career I love.

Now it seems, I may have set myself on a new, empowering path towards something I want. To be a Librarian. It is a long term plan, something that will benefit myself and my children. Training that will open doors for future learning, and pleasure. Plus, I get out the house a few times a week in order to learn and grow, what could be better than that right now?!

Small steps towards the big picture.... sounds like I have the focus I was needing. I have so many awesome ideas, hopes, thought and dreams.

Fingers crossed it all comes together, I will know after the 18th of this month.

Joining Josie

Dear Dad,

We have had a difficult life together, we both know that, but what you don't know, and what I have never told you, is how much I wish I was just like you.

All my life you have shown me your strength, your drive, your ability not to over react and how second nature it is for you to listen, think and react in a way that has people describing you as tough but fair.
No matter what life has thrown your way, you have always handled it with respect, dignity, calm and maturity.

I am proud of you Dad, and I love you. I never tell you that, and I am sorry. I hope that one day I have the courage to tell you, Dad, I wish I was more like you. I wish I had listened to you more, given you a fair go, tried to be closer to you.

Right now though, I will say thank you, because although we may have trouble saying what we wish we could to each other, you are the father figure in my children's lives and I am so proud they get a chance where I went wrong. You show them love, compassion, and guidance and for that I am truly thankful. I can only hope that my children grow up to be like you, showing strength, dignity, commitment, hard work, selflessness and the ability to trust in themselves even when no one else does.

With Love
Your Daughter



Please stop by and join us at Josie's Write a Letter Wednesday.

Weight Loss Warfare

I haven't always been fat. I always THOUGHT I was fat, but I wasn't.

I was always described as solid when I was younger, and as a kid I took great offense to that because by the time I was 10 I was already being picked on at school, taunted for being fat (and I wasn't I was normal, healthy and active). Of course being a child and being told I was fat, and my parents calling me solid build on a childhood identicard, I sadly though I WAS fat, and looked at myself that way for many years.

When I was 15 I remember crying alone in my room thinking, maybe I could just cut my stomach right off, one big slice down and then I would be skinny. I remember stepping on the scales and seeing my weight slowly climb thinking I was just so disgustingly FAT. When I look back at pictures I was beautiful. I wasn't fat at all. I was solid and strong, I had curves and very little body fat. But I spent most of my school years surrounded by those petite fragile looking girls (you know the ones) and standing next to them, strong, healthy and solid mean fat, gross and in need of Weight Watchers.

I never really became "fat" until well after my first daughters birth. I remember hitting 104kg while I was pregnant and being so embarrassed, but once I gave birth, a severe health incident that went untreated caused me to loose a lot of weight. I of course looked in the mirror and saw stretch marks and my brain saw grossly overweight. Looking at pictures from the early days of my daughters life I was at a weight I dream to be at, and still my brain wouldn't let me see it.
8 months after my first child's birth I became what my brain told me I was. I began to comfort eat and binge not knowing at the time why I sought comfort. Looking back now (ain't hind sight grand?) I realise it was because I knew I had married the wrong man and that he wasn't cut out to be a father. But I stuck it out anyways and in the mean time I ate.

That was almost 9 years ago, and through out those 9 years I have binged, starved, diet pill-ed and ate my way down the yellow brick road. The diet pills I took wreaked havoc on my digestive system and to this day I still face issues associated by the damage those pills did. I have gained a total of 10kg or 22lbs but that doesn't include all the times I have gained, lost, gained and lost. I am thinking I have probably gained more like 40kg and lost about the same over the years through all the yo yo dieting.

I now have myself in a weight rut. Due to all the confusion I cause my body, the minute I try and lose I actually gain because my body thinks its being starved. I start a diet only to gain then beat myself up about it and seek comfort in food. It's a vicious circle, one that I am dying to break and leave behind for good, only I am not sure how to go about it now.

My greatest fear is that I unconsciously cause my daughters to walk down this awful path one day. I do my best to shelter them from my body issues and woes. I have always been careful of what I say and do around them and hope that they grow up strong and confident and healthy, without all the hang ups I have had to deal with all my life. It is something that worries me greatly.

For now I am trying to devise a plan to rid myself of this awful psychological warfare once and for all, and hopefully finally drop the weight both on my body and sitting on my shoulders.

What?! No Internet?! Hyperventilating......

LOL no I am not that bad any more, but at one point I did get quite irritated by it.

Our internet went down yesterday at lunch time, and after 10 minutes on hold and another 10 minutes talking to a heavy accented tech support person who insisted I had to check my computer settings and everything else but listen, found out that it was a city wide outage. It was not fixed until early this morning.

I was surprised though, about how much I rely on the computer. 3 times yesterday I though to myself, I'll just google that and find out what it is. One example..... So my sewing machine doesn't get used much, but my youngest had asked me to make her baby doll a pillow and blanket. I thought no worries, I can do that. I finish and stuff a pretty pillow, and start on the blanket but all off a sudden my sewing machine starts going 100 miles an hour by itself and wont stop, the only way to stop it was cutting the power completely. I soon discovered, when I shook the foot pedal something was loose.
Being the handy mum I think I am, I proceeded to pull the cover off the foot pedal and look at what was wrong inside. There was something obviously wrong for sure, it was quite clear.
So now, sitting at my desk, sewing machine foot pedal in half in front of me, tiny pieces that had all come apart to operate the speed laid out in front of me..... now to just google for a picture of how these pieces are meant to go back together right?...... WRONG! No internet.... didn't I feel like a wally!!

I also google actors a lot. You know when you are watching a movie or tv program and you think to yourself I know that person, who the heck are they? What was that other thing I saw them in? Well that drives me completely bonkers, so I google it sooner rather than later so I can say "oh yeah now I remember" and move on with my day. Yes, I admit I am a little OCD sometimes :)

And the news! I read the local newspaper online every morning, and the national news 3 times a day. It's my routine, it's how I feel like I know all that is going on in the World. It's comfort of information. Yeah, I missed my internet access yesterday....

Migraines are nasty!

Last night had me in bed at 7pm. I felt terrible and I felt guilty. Being a sole parent means when you are sick, you just keep on rolling on. You have no choice, you have to do what needs to be done and just suck it up. Last night however I could not. I had to lay down. I sough the dark, cool, comfy-ness of my bedroom and I couldn't hold it off any longer.

I went to lay down and let the kids stay up a little bit to watch a movie on the kids channel, all the while feeling guilty that I wasn't in the lounge room with them. I felt even more guilty when I started to nod off and told them they would have to go to bed too because I couldn't stay awake to keep an eye on them.

Now I know I wasn't fair, my 8 year old has always been more responsible than the average (even though lately she has shocked me a few times with less than stellar behavior) and they were both behaving very well when I went to lay down, happy to just sit and watch their movie. I admit, I felt bad and even worse about it this morning. I think I should have just let them stay up until their movie was finished, I should have trusted them a little more than I do, because in general they deserve my trust, they haven't done anything beyond normal child behavior when they slip up, and lets face it, I know my girls are a little more mature than the average. (That is NOT biased, "my kids are better than yours and absolutely awesome" Mum talk I promise)

I am tough on my kids. I know being a sole parent has a lot to do with that, but not all. I have expectations on how children should behave, and I admit I am absolutely disgusted by how a lot of children behave these days. I expect and demand my children to have manners, to be polite, to do as they are asked by an adult, to be respectful and helpful. I would certainly hate to be a teacher these days, with the lack of discipline and care some parents show. I can not believe the behavior of their children, and it is the PARENTS fault!
I will be first to admit though, that I am too hard on my 8 year old. I have tried to reign that in a little, but with her always being that little bit older in her make up, it's easy to forget she is just an 8 year old little girl. I ask too much of her sometimes because I need help, and that's wrong, I know it is. It is something I am constantly trying to improve on.

Ahhh the trials and tribulations of being a parent. Ain't life grand.......

Awesomeness!

We are half way through our second week of school holidays here in the top end, and we were lucky enough to have my brother visit.
He took us to the movies and we saw Mr Popper's Penguins. All I can say is if you have children and you haven't seen this movie, go see it. NOW! Seriously, go.see.it! The kids loved it, and I actually laughed out loud, which doesn't happen often. I am of course, a major fan of Jim Carey too. A awesome, sweet, funny family movie, I highly recommend it.

It is always great to see my baby brother, yes the we have had troubles over the years, but he is a good kid, the girls adore their uncle and he is always very generous with them. The girls couldn't ask for better uncles than my two younger brothers.

I still haven't heard back from the Uni, as much as I am disappointed, perhaps it wasn't the right track to go down and that's why they haven't returned my call? I don't know if it is a sign not to pursue it or if it's a sign to really push for it? Hard to say, I think it is something I am going to have to ponder over for the rest of today. I will hopefully get another sign either way, although 2 un-returned calls later I think maybe I should drop it and go back to the drawing board. I might have made a rash, wrong choice?

Seems my thoughts are all over the place today, it hasn't been a bad day. About to go and pick up the poor kitty after her surgery. I bet she is feeling pretty crappy. I may have no choice but to do the grocery shopping late this afternoon, I don't think the kids will let me put it off any more :(

The diet is non-existent and the budget is taking a good bashing this week too. I really need to stop being so ridiculously lazy!

Striving Towards

As I try and improve myself, both for me and my children, I decided to list the qualities I strive towards. These are things I want to be known for, described with and comforted knowing I possess.

So far my list looks like this:

Strength
Confidence
Honesty
Loyalty
Trustworthiness
Kindness
Caring
Warmth
Sweetness
Quiet and calm nature
Faithfulness
Generosity
Understanding
Patience
Love
Diligence
Humility
Belief
Health
Wealth
Happiness
Friendliness
Altruism
Faith

Some qualities I openly possess already, some I need to consciously work on. Based on morals and values, I believe this list comprises all the things I want to be and known to be.

Give a Cheer for Super Mum!

Yes, sometimes I toot my own horn. As a sole parent its not like anyone else is gonna do it :)

2 highly productive days in a row, I am super proud of myself, and have checked another item off my 101 in 1001 list! The 3 of us had eye checks today, my 4 year olds eyes are perfectly healthy and she is in no need for glasses. News wasn't as good for my 8 year old, she needs to continue with the patching as there was no significant change. The bonus was I didn't have to pay for new lenses again. Her next check up is in 6 months, after some hard core eye patching to get her lazy eye to work a bit more and hopefully improve some. Her bad eye really is in bad shape.
Me.... well I need glasses :) I am not surprised as I know my eyesight has deteriorated in the past 3 years, so much so it was quite noticeable. At least now, with new glasses my headaches should ease some.

Dentist appointments for the kids are scheduled for booking next week, and I have put myself on the dentist waiting list *gasp!* *shock!* yes, I am kinda wondering what the hell myself!
We have also checked out the new GP Super Clinic that has opened, and taking baby steps I will eventually start getting myself fixed too. 'Bout time I got my cyst a.k.a  "the horn" removed and this pain managed.

I got a little ticked off I will admit, turns out I am eligible for a N.T Pensioners Card, being a single Mama and all. It gives me discounts on Electricity, Drivers Licence and Car Registration renewal, Glasses and more. I get cranky because it has been available to me for 3 years but no one told me. I had no idea this card even existed until now. How many other struggling single parents don't know about this?! To know there are others like me struggling with no idea what help there is out there for them. That part really sucks.

Tomorrow morning our kitten goes in to be desexed. It will be a load off once its done, goodness knows I don't want kittens to deal with, so she has been locked inside with us all day and night. She wants to go outside, so we have had to listen to the incessant meows she so kindly shares for hours on end. I will be glad to fix that and to get rid of this god awful little tray. I.HATE.LITTER.TRAYS!! They are messy, smelly and down right ugly. Will be so happy when she can go outside for bathroom breaks.

Feeling pretty darn productive and efficient today, yay for 2 days in a row!!

P.S left another message at the Uni today, still haven't heard back. Totally sucks when you are trying to better yourself and incompetent people cant do so much as return a phone call. A trip down there face to face tomorrow may be needed......

P.P.S the diet is woeful. Not happening at all, I need to do something about that real soon before I gain another 20lbs!

Waking Up Exhausted

Waking up exhausted makes one feel robbed. What use is going to bed if you are only going to wake up feeling like crap anyways? I have always wished to be one of those night owl people, but even after all these years I sadly am not. I am not a morning person either. Not early morning anyways. If I could sleep in till 8am every morning I would be a lot more of a morning person, but waking up at 6am or earlier each day just doesn't give one the jollies.

I am one of those women who is layer after layer of complexed emotion. Constant, and unwavering raw emotion. I know it, I have always known it, but up until recently I have tried to change myself for others. Over the years I have been told I am over emotional, too sensitive, I think too much, I am glass half empty kinda girl. So what! That's me. I think and I feel, maybe more than the average, and you know what that's OK! The reason I mention all this is because lately I have been weighed down and overwhelmed by the same 2 major emotions. Guilt is number one and anger is number 2. I know why I suffer guilt, where it originated, why it continues, however I don't know how to fix and over come it and I don't know how to avoid it in the future, I struggle greatly with it. But... the anger. My God am I angry inside, at everything and everyone. I know of bits and pieces that helped me get here but not the defining moment and not why it continues to influential in my daily life. I hide and control as much as I can, but still so much surfaces. Even sitting here right now typing this, I feel the rage inside. I did read something yesterday that I have been rolling around the thought bank, "Anger is the inward display of depression" if that is so, then yes my anger makes a little more sense.

I have never spoke to a medical professional about my feelings before, I have many MANY reasons as to why, and I can safely say I will NEVER depend on a medical professional, and for that I have my beliefs. But I know I have battled depression for many years. I feel it inside me, I know when I am having a good day and a bad day. I know what makes me feel a little better and I know a major cause of these boughts of depression. I almost know exactly when to predict one drawing closer upon me, and I know what triggers them. The problem is, I can't stop or avoid them. They are part of me, my make up, how I feel and think. It is a process I have to go through and survive as it happens, and I am OK with that.

What worries me is the guilt and anger. Those two emotions will be what sink me. I have and am considering some sort of Anger Management course / group. I am not one for psychologist or psychiatrists or social workers for that matter (I have reasons people). Please note I am not violent or physically harmful. I am however human, and I mistakes. I have no idea how to fix my guilt.

I do know lately that I have been avoiding.....

Full Days, Counting Calories and in need of Stimulation

I like it most when my days are full. I like to end my days feeling accomplished and efficient, and it's not often days like that come about in my life lately.

I tend to the children, and I do the housework that needs doing and then that's it for the day. Today I was lucky, my whole morning was busy, I was running around doing errands and making phone calls and got a lot done and organised. I like days like that.

I hope that I can start studying soon, and also find a part time job or volunteer position that will fit around when the children are in school. I like my days busy and full, and it just doesn't happen any more.

I don't have much left to get to today, maybe a little menu planning for me and the kids, a chore or two that I have been putting off, but not much else needs doing. Goodness knows I need some new stimulation.

Still waiting on the Uni getting back to me about my new endeavour. Hopefully it is the right path to take and will provide me with a new lease on life. Part time study and a part time job would certainly fill my days when you include Domestic Goddess duties and raising children as a single Mum. I like the thought.

The new diet is off to a bad start today, it's something that requires 100% focus in the beginning and it just wasn't possible this morning. I am going to plan my meals and times to eat this afternoon though, and get the grocery shopping done at some point. I am going to try dealing with portions in a new way (go the coloured measuring cups!!) and then I have to work out the whole exercise side of things (ICK!) never my favourite thing.

Blowing a Gasket

My anger must be at 11 on the 1-10 scale right now.

All I want to do is update my details with Centrelink and it is damn near impossible! I can't do it online, and now because of greedy dumbasses I cant get through on the damn phone.  I mean seriously, I have been redialling for half an hour.

It's basic really. I just want to notify them I am no longer working, I am trying to do the right thing so I dont get over paid, or as I usually am, under paid. I am so sick of feeling like I am wrong and bad and naughty when it comes to Centrelink. They wont even let me update my new address online, I have to spend an hour on the phone on hold just to do that one basic, innocent thing.

I have always followed the rules, I have always done the right thing, and yet they make you feel like a lying criminal when all you want to do is update your details and follow their damn rules.

I have had nothing but issues with them, and now I can't even get on the phone because everyone wants their free money for nothing. This lump sum bonus is ridiculous, if you get it you get it, if you don't so what, you didnt earn it. According to facebook comments its not going towards the kids anyway, I have seen the shopping lists they hold for a new couch, a new computer, a holiday AWAY from the children. Not one comment stated that the money given freely to them FOR their children was actually going TO the children. So now these greedy people are tying up the phone line because they are demanding to know when they get this lump sum payment in their greedy little hands.

So FED UP!!!

(Finally got through whilst typing this post, now I have been on hold 10.56 minutes and counting)

End of Rant :)

Who am I and What's My Story?

I have been complicated all my life. One of my earliest memories was being teased at school and the thoughts that went through my head. The feelings of hurt, betrayal and self scrutiny.

I left school once I completed grade 10 and started working because of school yard bullying that was on the verge of being physical and life destroying. I was granted a 12 month Government Traineeship at the age of 15 and completed it successfully, but I knew early on it was the wrong field of work for me.

Over the years the biggest issues I struggled with were body image and the fear of being alone, so when I met my now ex - husband at the tender age of 18, I married him. I remember never being in love with him. I wasn't physically attracted to him either. I just remember telling myself he may be the only one who shows an interest in me, the only one who will marry me, the only one who could love me. He was stable and he liked me. I thought I would grow to love him. So at 19 years of age and 5 months pregnant I married him, knowing he wouldn't leave me, he just wasn't that type.

The first few years of marriage were good. My first daughter was born and I loved the role of stay at home mum. I felt it was my calling at that point, taking care of a husband and young child. We had a very low income but we always lived well and I will say, I was happy. My daughter was my constant focus. She never wanted for anything and never left my side.

My second daughter came a little over 3 years later. The marriage was struggling a little by then, but things were still ok. I struggled with loving 2 children. I mean I love my daughters both very very much, but going from completely devoting my every thought, feeling and waking moment to one child, to having to focus on a toddler and a new born, and dividing myself between the two, I found myself resenting my first child as the daily effort become difficult. Looking back now I assume I has some sort of postpartum depression going on. I still beat myself up over not giving enough to my first child from the moment her sister came along, to this day. Mothers Guilt is a bitch!

The girls' Father was never meant to be a Dad, he just didn't have the want. I am sure he loved and still does love them in his own way, but he just wasn't made to be a hands on Dad. So even though I was married, I was doing it all on my own from very early on. He tried helping around the house when I had my moments of complete melt down, he really did try the best he could, but as the years wore on I resented him more and it became more and more obvious that he really didn't want this life. There were times I was certain he hated his children.

3 years ago, after 7 years of marriage, I asked him to leave. He isn't a bad man, he just wasn't cut out to be a Dad and I didn't love him. I realised after 8 years together, there was no way you can just grow to love someone just because you marry them and not all parents want their kids.

The split was tough for the girls, my youngest especially because she is a very male orientated personality (fortunately she was barely over a year old when he left). My oldest had a strained relationship with him as well as he seemed to dislike her the most. I not only feel my guilt for being so hard on her the past 4 years but also the guilt of her father not liking her and him not being able to pick up the slack when I was struggling to give her what she needed.

During the time of our divorce I sought comfort in Internet chat rooms, again because I feared being alone. It was not long after, that I met an American man online. It quickly turned from Internet chat to phone calls and web cam, and many hours talking. A year after meeting him in a chat room I was flying 27 hours to Omaha to meet him and his children.

I soon learned that he was a very different man to the one he made himself out to be, and my heart was swiftly broken. It was a disastrous affair in which I did many things I am not proud of. I became very selfish during that long distance relationship. I disrespected and lied to my family. I neglected my children and home. I pushed the girls father as far out of the picture as I could and I focused entirely on a man that I would later learn lied to me and emotionally abused me for almost 2 years. I hurt my kids, my parents, my brothers, my ex husband and myself. I am not proud of the things I have done and I have suffered  a major case of guilt and regret ever since.

I have spent my time since then, dedicating my life to fixing all I have done wrong in that period. I haven't fixed it all, but things are much better than they were. I up earning back trust and hopefully one day respect. I have apologised and shown through my actions that things have changed and are changing for the better. I work on it every day.

Fortunately now I look back, and although I don't forgive and I will never forget what happened, I also know I have learnt from it.

I have learnt a lot about myself and how I am in relationships. I have become wiser for the future and more guarded of my role as a mother. I have grown and will continue to grow because of him and what he did.

Now I am alone, the very thing I was so fearful of for so long and I have come to learn it's not so bad. Yes, it gets lonely, especially at night when the kids are in bed and there is no one around to talk to. But I am learning to enjoy my own company. To develop interests that I can pursue on my own and enjoy on my own. I am learning more and more about myself every day and I have the time and focus on fixing myself and my children and improving the things that worry and upset me. I am able to work on myself and on our lives and not be hindered in any way. I am free and I am stronger for it. That's not to say I don't sit here dreaming of a perfect Knight in Shining Armor to come sweep me off my feet one day. But I am more open to living a life without a relationship and without a man. It would take someone pretty special to live up to my "specifications" these days anyways :)

All that said, I am at a point in my life where I want more. I want something for myself as my days are constant children and domestic goddess activities. As much as I enjoy them, the prospect of that being the only thing in my life for another 18 years scares and saddens me. I am ready to find a new path that will fit in with me raising my children. I am continuing to improve things for us, and part of improving myself is finding my passion, so that is the point I am at right now. Besides, a scary though, 30 isn't too far away!

I am searching for a balance between my children and myself. Sounds complicated doesn't it?

Half Deaf and 3/4 Lame - the 30's are approaching!

Next year I turn 30. It's needless to say, that I have been doing a lot of soul searching, questioning what I want out of life, and self discovery since I have been single (going on 3 years now). I am starting to resent being referred to as just a Mum, yes I love my children, they are my World, but they are the only thing in my World. Unless you count my current role as full time Domestic Manager. I have lived almost 30 years without passion. I have never had a clear path, desire or focus. I made my choices and lived with them, and that's not to say I regret the choices I have made, I just don't want to live without making other major life choices towards the things that make it worth living.

I have spent 3 years living as a hermit. I have my little World at home as a mother and domestic goddess and nothing more. I have no friends, up until recently (and it still isn't perfect) I have had a very strained relationship with my family. I have A LOT of trouble talking to people (even people I kind of know and like) I feel like an idiot when I do speak to people, I think I could be labelled a social retard. I have no hobbies, no interests (other than those based at home, like reading) and I have no goals for the future that don't include my kids or my home or something along those lines.

I have decided to find my passion. Up until yesterday I wasn't sure where to go next, I had no clue. Then I had an idea of where I might like to go. A new direction, a new focus, a new passion and something that will give me reason once my children are up and grown.

I only hope I stick with it instead of self sabotaging myself like I usually do.

It's Complicated

I'm complicated. I always have been and I am pretty sure I always will be.

My mind, my thoughts, my feelings and my opinions are complicated and I don't apologise for it.

This is me, and I am proud of myself, complications and all.