I left school once I completed grade 10 and started working because of school yard bullying that was on the verge of being physical and life destroying. I was granted a 12 month Government Traineeship at the age of 15 and completed it successfully, but I knew early on it was the wrong field of work for me.
Over the years the biggest issues I struggled with were body image and the fear of being alone, so when I met my now ex - husband at the tender age of 18, I married him. I remember never being in love with him. I wasn't physically attracted to him either. I just remember telling myself he may be the only one who shows an interest in me, the only one who will marry me, the only one who could love me. He was stable and he liked me. I thought I would grow to love him. So at 19 years of age and 5 months pregnant I married him, knowing he wouldn't leave me, he just wasn't that type.
The first few years of marriage were good. My first daughter was born and I loved the role of stay at home mum. I felt it was my calling at that point, taking care of a husband and young child. We had a very low income but we always lived well and I will say, I was happy. My daughter was my constant focus. She never wanted for anything and never left my side.
My second daughter came a little over 3 years later. The marriage was struggling a little by then, but things were still ok. I struggled with loving 2 children. I mean I love my daughters both very very much, but going from completely devoting my every thought, feeling and waking moment to one child, to having to focus on a toddler and a new born, and dividing myself between the two, I found myself resenting my first child as the daily effort become difficult. Looking back now I assume I has some sort of postpartum depression going on. I still beat myself up over not giving enough to my first child from the moment her sister came along, to this day. Mothers Guilt is a bitch!
The girls' Father was never meant to be a Dad, he just didn't have the want. I am sure he loved and still does love them in his own way, but he just wasn't made to be a hands on Dad. So even though I was married, I was doing it all on my own from very early on. He tried helping around the house when I had my moments of complete melt down, he really did try the best he could, but as the years wore on I resented him more and it became more and more obvious that he really didn't want this life. There were times I was certain he hated his children.
3 years ago, after 7 years of marriage, I asked him to leave. He isn't a bad man, he just wasn't cut out to be a Dad and I didn't love him. I realised after 8 years together, there was no way you can just grow to love someone just because you marry them and not all parents want their kids.
The split was tough for the girls, my youngest especially because she is a very male orientated personality (fortunately she was barely over a year old when he left). My oldest had a strained relationship with him as well as he seemed to dislike her the most. I not only feel my guilt for being so hard on her the past 4 years but also the guilt of her father not liking her and him not being able to pick up the slack when I was struggling to give her what she needed.
During the time of our divorce I sought comfort in Internet chat rooms, again because I feared being alone. It was not long after, that I met an American man online. It quickly turned from Internet chat to phone calls and web cam, and many hours talking. A year after meeting him in a chat room I was flying 27 hours to Omaha to meet him and his children.
I soon learned that he was a very different man to the one he made himself out to be, and my heart was swiftly broken. It was a disastrous affair in which I did many things I am not proud of. I became very selfish during that long distance relationship. I disrespected and lied to my family. I neglected my children and home. I pushed the girls father as far out of the picture as I could and I focused entirely on a man that I would later learn lied to me and emotionally abused me for almost 2 years. I hurt my kids, my parents, my brothers, my ex husband and myself. I am not proud of the things I have done and I have suffered a major case of guilt and regret ever since.
I have spent my time since then, dedicating my life to fixing all I have done wrong in that period. I haven't fixed it all, but things are much better than they were. I up earning back trust and hopefully one day respect. I have apologised and shown through my actions that things have changed and are changing for the better. I work on it every day.
Fortunately now I look back, and although I don't forgive and I will never forget what happened, I also know I have learnt from it.
I have learnt a lot about myself and how I am in relationships. I have become wiser for the future and more guarded of my role as a mother. I have grown and will continue to grow because of him and what he did.
Now I am alone, the very thing I was so fearful of for so long and I have come to learn it's not so bad. Yes, it gets lonely, especially at night when the kids are in bed and there is no one around to talk to. But I am learning to enjoy my own company. To develop interests that I can pursue on my own and enjoy on my own. I am learning more and more about myself every day and I have the time and focus on fixing myself and my children and improving the things that worry and upset me. I am able to work on myself and on our lives and not be hindered in any way. I am free and I am stronger for it. That's not to say I don't sit here dreaming of a perfect Knight in Shining Armor to come sweep me off my feet one day. But I am more open to living a life without a relationship and without a man. It would take someone pretty special to live up to my "specifications" these days anyways :)
All that said, I am at a point in my life where I want more. I want something for myself as my days are constant children and domestic goddess activities. As much as I enjoy them, the prospect of that being the only thing in my life for another 18 years scares and saddens me. I am ready to find a new path that will fit in with me raising my children. I am continuing to improve things for us, and part of improving myself is finding my passion, so that is the point I am at right now. Besides, a scary though, 30 isn't too far away!
I am searching for a balance between my children and myself. Sounds complicated doesn't it?
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